Secret

Shhhhhh....

In my early twenties and before I was married with children, I visited my aunt and uncle who resided in a sleepy suburb of Los Angeles. I was riding shotgun the second day of my visit. Along side my uniquely wise Uncle Bob we cris-crossed the streets of Downey, California. Uncle Bob was describing the rich and poor parts of town, how people come to L.A. and embrace anonymity, to lose their old identity, and to start anew. He then turned left - twice. The first left was on to Firestone Boulevard; the second left was in our conversation. He said to me, "You would love to living her".. He looked me in the eye and said it would be good for me. That I would do well here in L.A. because I preferred to keep to myself and have a private life...

I've never forgotten that conversation...

I remember thinking, I do??!!!'

Those who know me well know David as a man who always has an opinion (and shares it), talks too much, listens too little, and wears his heart on his sleeve. I am passionate about SHARING. I love to know others and for others to know me. I ask questions of people and genuinely want to know the answers. I abhor gossip and hearsay. I value authenticity and trust.

What did my Uncle see in me twenty years ago that I couldn't confess to myself? Was he right? What secretive life did he presume I lead...?

We ALL have secrets. (if you're telling yourself you don't - you're deceiving yourself)

That's it! I'm taking these kids to the fire station and wish them well...

If he says one more degrading thing to me - I'm leaving...

Why do I have such a connection to him - I'm MARRIED!?

I shouldn't watch this - but it's not a big deal

I know I don't tell her everything - but it's okay. I'm sure she does the same thing.

I'm miserable - but everyone around me says, you'll destroy the kids if you leave...

What happened to ME? I love my kids - but sports and activities can't be MY life...

I'll just do it one time - my boss won't find out...

I hate my job - but it pays well...

I disgust myself when I see what is looking back at me in the mirror...

Are any of these statements yours? Does anyone know you've had these thoughts; said these words?

We're asked to keep secrets by those closest to us. We keep secrets from those closest to us. Captain Obvious would say, "it's important to have someone who knows your secrets - trusting in one special person or persons is vital to a healthy existence."

However, there is ONE SECRET we all possess and rarely identify, confess, and act upon...

Secret : Who are you? Do you know?

I'm speaking of the individual God has masterfully crafted : YOU. Who are you? What is the secret behind WHO you are?

I've asked this question to many individuals over the years. The common answers are, "mom", "parent", "sister", "brother", "accountant", "husband", "attorney"...

Yet, I challenge you to identify the secret of you by doing the following...

Take away your family, friends, career...take away the roles you play, take away what others have told you who you are. WHO ARE YOU? What's your secret - the secret of YOU?

NEWSFLASH : You're NOT a mom, dad, salesman, aunt, uncle, or coach. These are simply roles you play. They're important roles - but this is not who you are,

When was the last time you thought about YOU? When was the last time you MADE the time to identify the SECRET - the secret of you.

Children grow up, careers change, friends come and go, But the constant is YOU. If you don't know who you are - this secret remains hidden and you'll never realize peace, contentment, joy, and love.

I don't have time for me...I have responsibilities, I have to worry about others before I worry about me...I won't be selfish.

If you don't identify your secret - you can never fulfill the roles you choose to fill with any type of deep and authentic commitment.

What are you passionate about? What makes you tick? What brings you joy, what brings you pain, what keeps you up at night, what dream of yours is unfulfilled.

My three children are 15, 13, and nearly 12. They each have their own unique heart and soul. I want them to know WHO THEY ARE. Not what they do. Avoid overvaluing what others say they are -but find value in who THEY say they are.

I take my three children to church. I want them to be challenged by the reality of something bigger than themselves. Although I try not to preach AT THEM, I want them to identify the spiritual side of who they are. I don't force my beliefs upon them - I want them to find their own path. But, I do want them to look beyond their performance at school, look beyond their successes and failures in activities and sports, look beyond their future careers and future spouses and families...

What is your secret? Live beyond the roles you play. If you identify and share the secret of YOU, the secrets that possess you and the secrets you keep and hide from others will become less restrictive. You will find peace - you will find life.

I never moved to L.A. I've visited a few times in the twenty years since. I don't want to be hidden. I don't want to be anonymous, I don't want to be someone caught up in the roles I play and in the spaces others have determined for me.

What's my secret? I'll tell you. Just ask me...

-Billy

Pardon the Interruption...

CAN YOU TALK?

Phone calls.Cups of coffee, glasses of wine, mason jars of iced cold sun tea. A knock at the door, a ring of the doorbell, walking in and yelling, "anyone home"?

When did American culture become so fearful of interruption? When did we lose the want and need of the "drop-in" or the spontaneous phone call?

My 15-year old daughter CALLED me this weekend - twice! From Cheer camp, she called me! She likes me - she really likes me! 

Were you aware that Smart Phones are capable of making PHONE calls? It's true - Google it...I'm not lying. 

It was 2007 - a good friend introduced me to 'texting'. I didn't get it. She spent a robust 20 minutes schooling me on delicate number/ letter-punching on my LG flip-phone.

 "So... I have to push the number "3" two times to spell the word "no"???

Ridiculous...

"I don't get it? Why not just email me...?" 

Nine years later, I still ask the same question. Does texting allow two or more individuals to communicate without interrupting their current activity? - of course. Does texting lead to anti-social behavior? Of course it does...

When did we start sending preemptive text messages BEFORE calling? What are we afraid of? The chance they may be busy and send us straight to voicemail? Heaven forbid...

NEWSFLASH : YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE... It's true - Google it...I'm not lying. 

I have some friends who recently built a new home. After the initial plans were confirmed, they allowed me to view the blueprints of their dream home. I was so impressed! Until I looked toward the front portions of the drawing and noticed something unusual. "What is THAT?" They looked at me quizzically. I repeated my question, "What is that?!" I pointed my finger... They simultaneously answered, "The front door?!" "Yes", I exclaimed. "Why do you need that?!"

The garage door goes up and down. Eight hours later, the garage door goes up and down. Let's use our front doors more. 

When I was kid, I would walk to the front door of my neighbor, ring the doorbell, and ask, "Can David (my neighbor was named David, too) come out and play?" I didn't call, I didn't send a text message. I didn't send a smoke signal. I just dropped in. No one was offended. No one was surprised. No one told me I was breaking a rule. If they didn't want to socialize, they didn't answer the door. It's true - Google it...I'm not lying.

I have single friends where the entirety of a new relationship consists of text-dating. Weeks go by and they never spend one moment face-to-face. Huh?

This is anti-social behavior...

I want to look into the eyes of someone. I want to hear the intonation in their voice. I want to interact with someone that goes beyond emoji's.

If you "don't have time" to drop in - make time. If you've snuffed out the possibility of a Tuesday night 20-minute phone conversation with your brother, best-friend, or father - make time. Make time for the spontaneous. Make time for the things that TAKE TIME. Life is too short to be running from game to game and drive-thru to drive-thru or spending twelve hour days at work.

Drop in on me - please! I have food and bottled water to share. It's okay. 
Call me - please! I have words and stories to share. It's okay.
Text me - if you have to...

It's true - Google it...I'm not lying.

-Billy

PeRfEcT Parenting

Wanna grow up?

Have a child.

Wanna REALLY grow up?

Have two children (or more!)

Wanna be a good parent?

Tell your children, "No".

Wanna be a great parent?

Tell your children, "No" and then spend time telling them why you just told them, "No".

Wanna be an exceptional parent?

Expose them to YOUR failures, apologize to them, take their phones away, tell them to look into the eyes of strangers using words like "my pleasure", "thank-you", and "please". Teach them to stand up and be strong with their voice. Encourage and support their passions for life. Identify their "love language". Use words like "penis" and "vagina". Tell them stories. Let them fail and don't help them up. Don't force them to believe what you hold true - encourage debate and respect their views and opinions. Teach them the best questions include the word, "why?" Teach them life is NOT fair, good people suffer, and bad people prosper. Discourage the phrases, "don't judge me", "whatever", and "shut up". Show up and listen to your children - really listen. Encourage deep friendships, taking risks, and valuing family (even the family members they don't like). Share with them the world's wisdom begins in the Old and New Testament Scriptures - but don't tell them - have them read it themselves. Teach them that you FIGHT for love, you don't FALL into it...

I've been married and divorced twice. I have three children with my first wife. I had three step children with my second wife. I'm an infinitely flawed dad. Most of what I've learned is from the mistakes I've made. I've been short-sided, selfish, stubborn, ignorant, and cruel. I've ignored the wants and needs of my children. I've tried to force my ways upon them. I've yelled, ridiculed, berated, and lost my temper.

I'm the PeRfEcT parent...

Perfectly flawed, hypocritical, and in need of forgiveness. Just ask Gracen, Jadon, and Abby...They'll tell you...

BUT - I work hard everyday to serve my kids in ways in which they NEED - not necessarily want. I work to uncover their passions, share in those passions with them, LOVE them in ways they need as individuals.

My 15-year old daughter is engaged to Justin Bieber. You didn't hear? I expect the wedding to take place in the next 8-10 years. And I'll walk her down the aisle with a smile on my face. 

My 13-year old son is scheduled to begin design on the Mars-bound spacecraft in the next 10-15 years. And I'll be the first volunteer to travel that interstellar voyage. 

My 11-year old daughter will be graduating from film school or perhaps law school in the next 10-15 years. And I'll purchase the first ticket to view her debut documentary release or throw the celebration when she wins a multi-million dollar settlement for her client who was wrongly disadvantaged.

My kids are uniquely complex, complicated, and in many ways NOT like me. But it's my job to provide my kids the very best environment in which to navigate life. That environment does NOT include catering to their every whim, take away every pain, or chauffeuring them around town to their activities. To the contrary - my kids can learn more about life by realizing life is NOT about them. 

Last summer, I took my three kids to MY softball games. I think they enjoyed watching their dad participate in one of his passions. 

We SHARE our lives TOGETHER. The ups and the downs - together.

Don't give your children what they want - give them what they need. Love them for who they are - not for who you think they are. Don't live your life through your kids. You had your childhood - don't take theirs. (Oh and fellow Dads : your son or daughter is NOT going to be a professional athlete - I can nearly guarantee that. Stop behaving like they are...)

I will continue to fail, make mistakes, and let my children down. But I'll apologize, ask for forgiveness, and keep learning. I'll seek wise counsel from friends, family, and my kids' mother. I don't want to be the perfect parent - I just want to be the perfect parent for Gracen, Jadon, and Abby. Understanding the difference is my job and one I embrace.

I now have to go tell the kids how ridiculously spoiled they are, how they hard it was for me to walk to school with no shoes, and how grateful they should be for hairspray, color TV, and microwave ovens.

#hypocriteintransition

-Billy

Wake up!

"Dad!!! I can't find the ketchup"

"Did you actually LOOK in the fridge?"

"Yes...I looked everywhere...are we out of ketchup?"

"No, son, I just bought a new bottle this week... I don't think you're looking hard enough..."

I walk to the fridge. One swift glance and there it was...

"You know, son, if it would have been a snake, it would have bitten you..."

Long before the advent of smartphone addiction, people have been sleeping... Perhaps the amount of personal injuries, assaults, muggings, and lost ketchup bottles could be reduced.

How..?

Wake up!

I'm a people-watcher. I've taught my three children to be people-watchers. I want my children to be acutely aware of the world around them. From time to time, I'll ask my kids as we're sitting enjoying our restaurant appetizer,

"Look over at that table...'who' do you see?"

We engage into a lively profiling discussion. My 15-year old tells the us the couple have been married a lot of years - they haven't looked up from their cob salads in nearly 5 minutes. My 13-year old son adds - he thinks the couple is wealthy : the man's shoes are void of scuffs and his button-down is freshly pressed and he dawns a head of hair perfectly groomed. My 11-year old daughter looks at her two siblings and then me - and then rolls her eyes far into the back of her head...

Do you know the make and model of automobile your neighbor drives? Do you remember people's names when you extend them your right hand? Are you concerned with the ever-growing line that forms behind you at the grocery store check-out because you can't wait to answer a text-message?

Why does any of this matter? I am fully convinced the quality of my life and your life will significantly improve if we all do ONE thing...

...wake up!

Sharp observation is more than a profiling game at dinner. Sharp observation leads to a sounder, more fulfilling quality of life and deeper, more profoundly rewarding relationships.

I make my living by selling. If I don't pay attention to the world and the people around me, my kids don't eat and they're left without their precious Nike Roche sneakers (why did I buy those again?). Coupled with my vocation, I've made a concerted effort over the last year in my personal life to WAKE UP. The results have been rewarding. I WANTED to make it more of a priority to pay attention to the wants and needs of my friends and family. I've admittedly been overly selfish and unaware for most of my life. I'm not perfect - but it matters. It's more difficult to wake up for those in my life whom I find challenging. But it's STILL critical to sharply observe who they are and what they find to be important.

This newer attitude has aided in transforming many of my personal and professional relationships in ways that has made my life richer and deeper. I'm so blessed to be more fully engaged with my children, my friends, and family. I feel it and want more of it. I often pray to God in morning prayers, "God, make me observant to the world around me, make me observant to the people who I love and those I may find hard to love..."

Perhaps we need to open our eyes to the world around us. Maybe it helps us "nail' our next job interview, will allow us to heal a bruised or broken relationship, bring us closer to understanding a co-worker who you suspect is stealing your Greek yogurt from the work-fridge...

speaking of the fridge...

...back to the lost ketchup in the fridge. Maybe it's not that my son couldn't find the ketchup - perhaps it was because he needed a nudge from me to open his eyes, wake up, and teach a lesson in self-sufficiency. Today it's a lost ketchup bottle. Tomorrow it's a marriage saved, a wise investment made, a serious car accident avoided.

YOUR homework this next week :

Make a list of 3 people in your life who you NEED to WAKE UP to... (Yes - I know I ended that sentence in a preposition) Who are they? Sister, brother, spouse, parent, co-worker...?

1.
2.
3.

Then - wake up to them! Ask, serve, observe. Make it better...

Oh - and put down your phone while driving - yes I'm judging you and I'm judging ME...

That's it and that's all.

-Billy

June 1, 2016

Someone wiser than I once said, "writers don't make a decision to write, they just must". I wrote my first blog in 1980. It was my reaction to a movie sequel involving droids, Wookies, and Skywalker's.

Since writing that three-sentence ramble on my Big Chief Tablet, through forms of public speaking, magazine articles, newspaper columns, school-teaching, personal training, group exercise classes, sales proposals, Facebook posts, Twitter tweets, and Instagram drops, I've been WRITING. I can't help it. It's my passion. I wake up nights with thoughts that must be expressed. I pester friends, family, and most especially my three children with my profound thoughts and important ideas and opinions.

Most of the time, they all roll their eyes...

So, why not afflict the masses?

Here's what I want to accomplish with this blog : to encourage my readers to THINK. I believe too many people drift through life on the hum of mediocrity and routine. Wake up, go to work, graze through a crockpot meal or a drive-through sandwich, pick up kids, doze off to Fallon. Live for the vacation get-aways to Cancun and wine-nights with the neighbors -- rinse and repeat.

I want to give my readers the opportunity slow down, process, be challenged, get angry, tear-up, smile...

Questions I'll ask on a weekly basis: We're still suffering for 9-11? Why people who cheat should be rewarded? Why America is suffering for our self-inflicted child-centered world? Why Jesus is super cool? Why do we use "super", "right", and "right now" in ways that would embarrass our grandparents? Why baseball is the best sport on the planet (with soccer as a close second), Why the NFL will be obsolete in 20 years? When did Pet-OWNER become offensive? Why are we obsessed with hand-sanitizer? Why every man should read 50 Shades of Grey?

So come along, join in, respond, react. But don't sit still.

I'll "see" you every Sunday night beginning June 5th.

-Billy Bridges