I spend my days as a senior sales executive in the technology industry. Yet, my REAL job is Dad to my three children. I've been divorced from my children's mother for nearly six years. I have my children every other weekend and on Wednesdays.
Although, their mother and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything; I have great respect for her and the guidance and love she provides Gracen, Jadon, and Abby.
In the day-to-day moments I don't have my children, I'm praying for them, texting them, calling them, thinking of them, buying their groceries, picking up their messes, watching their Snaps, and trying to figure out how toothpaste ended up there from last weekend...
My children may not be with me full time - but they're in my heart full-time.
I did choose to end the marriage to my children's mother. I did choose to alter my relationship with my children. I hide nothing about that fact. I've dealt with plenty of guilt and shame over the years for those decisions. I've struggled through heart-ache, rage, bitterness, depression, and loneliness.
My choices have altered the trajectory of many people's lives. I know that and I'm at peace with those decisions.
I now take a healthy pride in the trajectory of my relationship with my three kids. I love them and they love me (I think I just heard "Barney"...). I'm pretty sure they love me - they tell me in that robotic, "I love you, too, Dad..." (this is where the eyes roll).
I've been told I have a very unique relationship with my kids. Perhaps I do. I have tried to create an atmosphere of openness. No subject is off-limits...
We routinely talk about sex, relationships, masturbation, political ideology, religion, current events, violence, racism, and bigotry. Oh yeah - we also attend their sporting events, play video games, root on the Kansas City Royals EVERYDAY, play Killer Uno, cook together, and compete in 2 vs. 2 wiffle ball at the park down the street (my team always wins).
I want to expose my children to the world - allow them to know what's in front of them and what's in store for their future. I want my children to know WHO they are, what they believe, and why they believe it. Therefore, from a very early age, their mother and I have been as true and real as we could and can be. Yes - I am the parent who took all three kids out of their car seats far too "early", who bypasses the hand sanitizer (every time), and the parent who taught my son how to create a finely crafted vodka-tonic (to serve to his dad - just in case DFS is reading...)
My job as a father is not to protect and shield my children from the world - but instead prepare them to face, adapt, and succeed in the world. My job is to allow my children to struggle and sometimes fail.
Not so long ago, my then 12-year old son walked in the door - seemingly out of the blue - and asked, "Dad, when was the last time you had sex?" Without missing a beat, I told him. I was honest. He responded, "Okay - I was just wondering" I then took a deep breath and exhaled. It took me a moment, but I soon realized how blessed I am to have a relationship with my son where he feels "safe" enough to ask such a personal question. If I would have lied to him or react with a sheepish or embarrassed tone, he would have thought twice before confiding in me the next time...
My children are NOT perfect - they're on their phones too much, neglect their chores, leave messy rooms, roll their eyes, "forget" to tell me the details about their lives, and they rarely respond to my text messages. They struggle with being bullied, being left-out, and under-achieving in school . But I couldn't be more proud of the trans-formative souls they're becoming. They are all FAR better than me...and I'm grateful for that.
Go beyond the "news, sports, and weather" with your children. Challenge them, push them, expect from them. And I'm not talking about school and activities. For the VAST majority of children, regular schooling and activities end at age 18-21. The average life-expectancy for men and women living in the United States is 78.8 years. This means 77% of people's lives occur LONG after competitive gymnastics and traveling baseball teams fade into memory. Long after college-credit algebra and late-night cramming are over. Without a doubt, school and activities are critical in shaping a well-rounded child into an adult. But children can NOT be only identified for how fast they run the bases, or how many times they were invited onto a competitive sports team.
All children of all ages KNOW more than you think. They have opinions, thoughts, ideas, and secrets. Don't protect them from the answers they already possess. Encourage them to express WHO they are - not what they do. They are sharing these opinions, thoughts, ideas, and secrets with someone... is it you? Do you want that type of openness with your children. I hope so...
My 15-year old daughter is dating. Holy sh***! When did this happen? She's in a car alone with a boy. She is now making decisions on her own. She is choosing to reflect and then apply the counsel her mother and I have provided. I pray for her and the young man she chooses to be with. But I have to trust her - I have to. I have to trust that the time we spent OUTSIDE of her junior varsity volleyball matches is aiding her to make wise choices.
Oh and would someone please send me a copy of the "Perfect Parenting Manual". I seem to have lost mine...my kids tell me I need a refresher.
Happy Parenting!
-Billy
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